


A Pebble in Your Shoe

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Series: The Lost Correspondences of Sister Lilith, and Shotgun Mary, Who Is Not A Nun [2]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:06:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Summary: Their correspondence continues
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun)
Series: The Lost Correspondences of Sister Lilith, and Shotgun Mary, Who Is Not A Nun [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909078
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	A Pebble in Your Shoe

Mary,

I don’t know if you’ve been to Macon, in France, but it’s a waterfront town with little gabled houses. Under different circumstances, it might have been a lovely place to visit.

We went in hot, nearly lost Sister Bernadette. She’s still recovering. I had to hurt a host. I had no other choice. I still feel sick at thinking of it. The possessed can’t control themselves, and sometimes, we have no other option. They prepare you for the idea that this may become necessary, but harming an innocent man for the first time was harder than I thought it would be. I literally beat the Devil out of him, I suppose.

You should have been there.

I’m not laying guilt on you, please don’t think that. But you have a gift for these things. It would have been good to have you at our side. I still smell his blood, I still hear the awful screeching. I didn’t kill him, but it’s going to take him a while to heal.

And I suppose, it would have been good to have you in the aftermath. Beatrice is a friend, but we’re both too burdened with responsibility and guilt. We’ve never been able to talk about the sticky bits of this vocation, despite that I know we have a great deal in common. I’m frustrated that you weren’t here to fight the good fight with us, but selfishly, I think I’m more frustrated that you weren’t here for me to process the experience with afterward.

Mary, your heart is here, isn’t it? I can’t believe that you don’t think of us, that you don’t regret not being on this first real mission. I may be deluded, but I think I know you.

I’m glad you’re able to see your mother. Odd as it may sound, I envy you the uncomplicated devotion you feel to each other, if not the specifics of your situation. You are right, the passage of time happens faster than we would like. I still sometimes feel like a tall child holding a sword. And yet. Here I am. And now I am a demon slayer.

And what are you?

Struggling,

Lilith

********

Lil,

I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry you had to go through that first time without me. I know Beatrice and you have a lot in common, probably more than you even realize. I’m sorry she’s not able to be the consolation you need right now.

I’ve hurt people before, too. And yeah. The first time is hard. It gets a little easier, but I’m gonna be brutally honest and tell you; you never stop feeling bad about it. You have a conscience, so it’s never gonna sit right with you. I wish I had more comforting words for you, but there it is. The only thing that helps is knowing that in your case, you did it to save him from something much worse, and there’s honor in that. Try and hang onto that.

What am I? I don’t know. I still have to figure that out. I love being home, and I love the pizza. Chicago pizza is not like Italian pizza: it’s thick, the crust is deep, the edges have an oily crunch to them if it’s good. The layer of cheese is about a mile thick. It’s not fancy, but it’s delicious. Messy. It feels like a sin, almost, but the kind you can get away with and not have to repent.

But as much as I love all the things that feel like home, I don’t have an answer to your question. I put in an application with the police force, but I don’t really want to be a cop. I don’t want to have to put other Black folks in jail. I got a job at the piers for now, just to keep busy, but pretty soon it’s gonna be too cold for that. Like I told you, Chicago winters are harsh. When that sets in, I’m not gonna want to do much but sit inside with a blanket and look out the window while the Windy City earns its name.

My heart is in two places at once. I’m working on what that means.

Struggling too,

Mary

********

Mary,

You talk a lot about food, you know. Surely you’re not trying to entice me to Chicago with that when you know all of the excellent food we have here in Europe?

Thank you for saying what you did about the battle. It means something. It’s not the same as having you here, but it helps to talk about it at all, and to hear what you have to say about it.

I don’t like the kind of brutal cold you describe, so if you want to see me before spring, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come here.

Maybe you don’t know what you are because you’re trying to avoid being a sister, and yet you are. Maybe your heart is really here, and it’s just that you wish it weren’t. You said that whatever it is you’re wrestling with, it’s too big to talk about, but I wish you would. I know I sometimes judged you, but it always came from a place of love, of wanting you to be your best. I’m sorry if it perhaps failed to come across that way. Much like Mother Superion, I am also not much of a cuddler.

But you can tell me anything. And I do wish you would.

I’m listening,

Lilith

********

Lil,

I gotta wear thick gloves when I go out now. And a hat. I know you’d probably laugh at it if you were here.

I feel naked without my guns but they don’t let you carry, here, and since I surrendered all my permissions when I left, I don’t get that exception anymore.

Lil, if I come back there, it’ll be to stay. We’ll see each other when we see each other. And yeah, I talk about the food because I want you to experience it, but also? I love food. You know that about me. And I know you do too, even while you sit there acting like you’re so abstemious.

You say you’re not a cuddler, but we both know that’s not true. Don’t act like you forgot the times your mom hurt you, and you cried in my room, and I held you as tight as I could. Your whole aloof act might fool other people, but not me. When I put my arms around you, you did not even hesitate to bury your face in my shoulder and cry on me. I know you.

You say you won’t judge me, but it’s not really judgment I’m afraid of. I’m just afraid of making things complicated. I’m afraid of putting you in a position of having to carry the weight of things that it’s not fair to ask you to carry. I’m afraid of opening up wounds and laying burdens and stirring up troubles that are probably better left alone.

When you say I can tell you anything, I know you think you mean it, but it’s not judgment I’m worried about. I’ve taken your judgment right on the chin plenty of times and I’m still standing. I just can’t make my problems your problems. I care too much.

Still not ready to talk about it,

Mary

********

Mary,

Abstemious? Did you purchase a Word of the Day calendar?

When you became a part of this family, your burdens became our burdens. And though you’re gone, at least in name, they still are our burdens. Or rather, my burdens. This is one case in which I won’t speak for anyone else. I can’t stop thinking of you as my sister, regardless.

Whatever you’re carrying, we can handle it together, don’t you think? Look how you frustrate me, and frankly, how I frustrate you. And yet here we are. Despite it all, working through it. I want you to come back, Mary. I want you part of the family again. Your problems have driven you away from us, and so by definition, they already are my problems. I’m already carrying them, even if I don’t know the specifics.

Please just try,

Lilith

********

Lil,

You just won’t stop pushing, huh?

Fine. Let me lay it out for you.

I used to sneak out with that Spanish girl from town for one reason and one reason only; it got me out of the house. It kept me out of worse trouble. She was pretty and funny, and maybe I would have gone there anyway, but I needed something to keep my hands busy, and when that ended, well. It got harder for me.

See, Lil, I loved you. Worse than that, I wanted you. When you came to me feeling bad, I wanted to make you feel better in ways I couldn’t. When I started feeling that way, I went and started up with Isabel, because it was a distraction. I needed that. I couldn’t stop thinking about you; irritating, arrogant, intelligent, frustrating, fierce, beautiful you. It hurt. Haven’t you ever wanted something you definitely couldn’t have?

Want is like a burr under your saddle. It’s like a pebble in your shoe. Yeah, you can go about your business that way, but it’s constantly uncomfortable and sometimes it hurts like hell.When I didn’t have Isabel to distract me anymore, it got too hard. How could I talk to you about it? If you didn’t love me back, then it would just hurt. If you did, what were we supposed to do about it anyway? I know how important the halo is to you. I know what your vows and your virtue mean. Like you say, I’m not stupid.

So you tell me, Lil. What was I supposed to do? The only reason I can tell you this now is because I’m so far away. We’re not in any danger of making a mistake we can’t take back.

You asked. I told you. Are you happy now?

Probably will regret this in the morning,

Mary


End file.
